Step 2: Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I watch as the pink leaves the morning sky and I am aware that though my definitions for God have been woefully inadequate and my decision to step away from professionally speaking on his/her behalf an immense relief, whatever it is that turns the sky from pink to blue and from night to day and from stormy to calm – this is power beyond me. This is a power beyond my species.
The only uncertainty in this second step is whether I believe that the power that coaxes the earth into orbit and makes the sun brilliant with light can restore my wonky ego into some semblence of sanity. With a remarkable capacity to embody extremes, to embody hubris and humiliation with little in between, I am prone to believe that I am uniquely irredemeable. Convinced of the essential nature of my insanity, I find myself flirting with a belief that a missing piece, a sanity which never existed, cannot be restored. Maybe so. But that which coaxes life from the frozen earth ought not be underestimated.
As I consider the efficacy of this source, I take note of the patterns. There is an order to the earth’s rhythms which suggests a power that is not capricious, but similarly not particularly personal. A sanity grounded in this power will not be an individually brilliant one but rather find strength in the company of equals.
Comfortable in the morning glow, with the jury out still out on the sanity piece, I find comfort in the first order of this day before me, breathing in beauty. Breathing in beauty, I exhale the negative impulses. Breathing in hope, I exhale the fears. Breathing in possibility, I exhale the despair. While sanity may still be out of reach, peace creeps from a place deep within and takes its place in the order of things. In this quiet place, I begin to believe.